It’s good to talk (and even better to listen)

One of my male colleagues recently had to take time off due to burn out from the project he was working on. He could have kept it quiet, but instead chose to change our whole company by being open about it. We now have a mental health channel on Slack, he’s leading the conversation, and he’ll be giving a talk on burnout and depression/anxiety at an upcoming tech meetup.

It’s amazing what one voice can do. He said that during his first conversations on the subject it was hard to even get the words out. Now he’s bringing it up in team meetings.

It triggered me to start getting one to one feedback from our team – armed with a list of simple metrics to gather, I’m trying to gain as much information as I can on how people at work are feeling about the way we do things as a company.

People’s views can be so different. For some of the team, the lack of regular feedback is a huge problem in the company, for others, it’s barely on their radar. Some people like our slightly unstructured approach, while others find it frustrating.

I’m trying to focus on listening. In my role, there’s a delicate balance between listening – letting people say all they have to say – and making suggestions and keeping things moving. It can be a tricky tightrope to walk. I’m part traditional project manager (tasks, timelines and budgets), part agile coach (continuous improvement and facilitation).

I’ve reached out to another agile coach to practice my listening skills while giving and receiving feedback and advice, and I’m always on the look out for new people to learn from. We all need to be heard in order to grow as people, both professionally and personally.

 

Acceptance (and karma)

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Acceptance. Probably my biggest struggle.

Life is imperfect – frustratingly so, and to fully enjoy, appreciate and be grateful for it, we have to accept some things that are far less than ideal.

Some of these things are products of our own mistakes, for to fully live life, we will make mistakes. Others are outside of our control. Both must be accepted.

Accepting our own mistakes

I work as an agile project manager. Agile is a lean way of working that focuses on continuous improvement and learning from mistakes without placing blame.

When taking an agile approach, we are encouraged to follow The Prime Directive when running retrospectives (meetings to look back at how projects have gone):

“You did the best you could, given what you knew at the time, your skills and abilities, the resources available, and the situation at hand”

And I’ve come to find this a very useful tool in my personal life as well. We must believe that each and every one of us is doing the best we can, with what we know at the time. It’s the only way to accept and forgive mistakes.

When I find myself agonising over past regrets, I try to remind myself of this – I did the best I could, given what I knew at the time. My intention is always to do the best I can, and I must accept mistakes and choose to forgive myself.

Accepting external circumstances

While my regrets can cause me extreme personal anxiety, my struggle to accept external things can affect my relationships with others.

Sometimes in life we find ourselves in scenarios that we wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves, but that seem to have chosen us. We may be able to take action to change things, but often we cannot. Acceptance is the only thing that brings peace.

And the same applies to people. We can love and care for people, yet have a desire to change them. This subtle pressure and dissatisfaction that we put on others can cause damage. I know I need to learn to better accept those I love for who they are and for all the good things about them. We cannot change others, they can only choose to change themselves.

Karma

Sometimes for me, it’s superstition that gets in the way of acceptance – believing that certain thoughts and superstitious actions will affect outcomes. And this ties in with my anxiety. Often I feel that worry prevents bad things from happening to me, and that if I become complacent and stop worrying, then bad things will happen. I know this is irrational and unhealthy, but it’s a belief that’s hard to change.

My other unhealthy belief or worry is that we “get what we deserve” (whatever that happens to mean in any given scenario). I stress about the impact unintentional poor choices in the past could have on me in the future due to this idea of karma.

Maybe part of the solution is in the Serenity Prayer (first quote above). The key few words being “accept the things I cannot change’ – accepting that my superstitious thoughts and actions won’t bring about any change in outcome.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”

Now that’s my kind of anxiety

When people used to talk about anxiety, I always jumped straight to social anxiety. Apart from being a bit of an introvert who’s drained by the presence of other people, I don’t really have any issues with social occasions. So I couldn’t have anxiety, I thought.

It turns out there are many different kinds of anxiety, here’s a handy rundown.

• Generalised anxiety disorder
• Social phobia
• Panic disorder
• Agoraphobia
• Other phobias
• Post traumatic stress disorder
• Obsessive compulsive disorder

It’s generalised anxiety disorder that seems to be my issue. And I was only able to put this label to it recently, when I finally realised that my worrying and overthinking was out of control.

Anxiety is an overestimation of threat.

Here are 5 causes (taken from this useful summary):

1. The need for control, and intolerance of uncertainty
2. Confusing worry with productive problem solving
3. Catastrophic thinking
4. Avoidance of deep emotions
5. Attending too much to physical symptoms of anxiety

And here are 5 solutions to try (taken from this helpful video):

1. Acknowledge and accept (mindful acceptance, not tolerance)
2. Positive self talk (don’t accept own thoughts as facts)
3. Distract yourself and focus your mind on something else (effective in short term)
4. Reduce avoidance (in long term)
5. Practice relaxation

All I’ve read suggests stopping the bad stories, shifting to gratitude instead, and generally just being aware of the thoughts you’re having. Of course it’s never as simple to action these steps as it is to write them, but I have managed to distract myself in a healthy way as I begin to understand what anxiety is and how to deal with it.

Personal projects (how to override anxious thoughts)

It was only very recently that I was able to put a name to the intense periods of overthinking that lead me to a distraught place time and time again. Anxiety.

I started watching YouTube videos (this guy in particular I’ve found really helpful).

Then after realising how little logic there is to the endless worrying, I decided that I needed some good solid distractions. Most of what I’ve read so far suggests that short term distraction is healthy, addressing whatever of the problem/issue/risk that you can in the medium term, then I assume once you’ve done all you’re able to, back to distracting yourself from worrying for the foreseeable future.

And it’s really helped me, so I thought I’d share some tips for discovering your own fulfilling personal projects.

1. Go big and crazy. If you were going to start your own business, what would it be? Take one step, however small, towards testing that idea and market. Just for fun. With no expectations of it ever going anywhere.
2. Write about something you care about. Pick a topic, start a blog, and just go. It’s therapeutic. If writing’s not your thing, talk about it, draw or photograph it.
3. Return to something you loved doing as a child. Only has to be in a small way – test out a form of craft you loved or do a one off sports session.
4. Pick a cause. Something big. Think of something small you could do to contribute. Maybe it’s just helping someone else out who’s pushing the issue.
5. Create a gift. A recipe book of your favourite dishes, a handmade card, a printed image or photograph. Give it away.
6. Make a collage of inspiration. Maybe it’s ideal homes, gardens, clothes, hobbies, lifestyle – put it all into a vision board.

As generic as some of these suggestions may sound, if you dig deep enough you can hit upon something that takes your mind away from the future. It’s definitely worked at times for me. Just taking the time to write this blog puts me in present thinking mode rather than future worrying mode.

 

15 cognitive biases (and how they’re exaggerated with anxiety)

As I struggle through my own anxiety, I thought turning to cognitive biases might help me to understand some of my brain processes. And it’s fascinating stuff. If you’re a fellow sufferer, take a moment to go through a few of these biases with me and know that you’re not alone in these ways of thinking. We’re all only human after all. (Thanks to Wikipedia for all the following definitions – great page on the subject.)

Anchoring “Relying too heavily on one piece of information when making decisions (usually the first piece of information acquired on that subject)”
When I’m in the full throes of anxiety, my mind focusses right in on the first extreme scenario I heard on the topic.

Attentional bias “Tendency of our perception to be affected by our recurring thoughts”
This anchor then churns over and over and over in my head, influencing my whole perception of the issue.

Availability heuristic “Tendency to overestimate the likelihood of events with greater availability in memory (can be influenced by how recent the memories are, or how unusual or emotionally charged they may be)”
Then this scenario – so readily available and highly emotionally charged in my memory – feels like the absolute most likely possible outcome.

Confirmation bias “Tendency to search for, interpret, focus on and remember information in a way that confirms one’s preconceptions”
Any other information even vaguely related to the focus of my worry then becomes yet another fact to back up the worst case scenario anchor that’s already going around and around in my head.

Congruence bias “Tendency to test hypotheses exclusively through direct testing, instead of testing possible alternative hypotheses”
There are no other possible outcomes in my mind. There is only one to prove – it is the only possibility, and it is awful.

Frequency illusion “Illusion in which a word, name or other thing that has recently come to one’s attention suddenly seems to appear with improbable frequency shortly afterwards”
And then, it’s everywhere. And I can’t escape it. It’s like when you learn a new word and suddenly it’s in every book, advertisement, magazine, internet article and conversation.

Illusion of control “Tendency to overestimate one’s degree of influecne over other external events”
I should be able to fix this right. This is my fault. There must be a way I can change this. I’m not going to stop thinking about it until I do.

Illusion of validity “Belief that our judgements are accurate, especially when available information is consistent or inter-correlated”
So the anxiety sufferer finds themselves in a place where they believe exactly what they think, and all available information seems to corroborate that thought.

Illusory correlation “Inaccurately perceiving a relationship between two unrelated events”
Something else happens, and this new event must be linked.

Information bias “Tendency to seek information even when it cannot affect action”
I love knowledge and I’ll read and read and read obsessively when I’m anxious. But there comes a point where more information is no longer helpful, and it’s only fuelling the fire. It’s like trying to put out flames using petrol.

Negativity bias “Phenomenon by which humans have a greater recall of unpleasant memories compared with positive memories”
Past memories come back to haunt me, and I can’t remember ever feeling positive, carefree and happy.

Neglect of probability “Tendency to completely disregard probability when making a decision under uncertainty”
I am certain of negativity. While simultaneously feeling completely uncertain about everything. Realistic probabilities go out the window.

Pessimism bias “Tendency for some people, especially those suffering from depression, to overestimate the likelihood of negative things happening to them”
I am doomed forever. Whatever I fear may as well have already happened, because it will, eventually, and there is nothing I can do about it. Hell.

Selective perception “Tendency for expectations to affect perception”
These pessimistic expectations continue to inform all perceptions.

Subjective validation “Perception that something is true if a subject’s belief demands it to be true. Also assigns perceived connections between coincidences”
Now my beliefs feel so real I can touch them. I’m living and breathing them. Everything I perceive goes through the same lens, and is linked to the negative outcome that I so fear.

But this is all in the mind. This is not real. And we must believe that if we are to recover from our anxiety. Understanding the process doesn’t make it easier, but hopefully it does make it slightly more understandable, logical even. We can train our minds to think differently – it’s not the facts that need to change, we need to change. But, admittedly, it’s a long journey.

Leave nothing unsaid

Today is Mother’s Day. While I’m not one to over-do the commerciality of these sorts of days, this year I have taken it as an opportunity to thank my mum for all she has taught me, and to tell her how proud I am of her.

It can be especially hard to be honest with people we are less used to being emotionally honest and open with, but I know how important it is. I want to leave nothing unsaid in my life. I want people to know what they mean to me. That, to me, is the path to contentment and acceptance. When you leave nothing unsaid, you can have no regrets.

So what have I learnt from my mum?

1. To be honest, always. I’m not sure my mum has ever told a lie of any kind. She would always be completely transparent with me (and still is). That’s real integrity.
2. Not to dwell on things. I am a chronic worrier. My anxiety is only something I’ve put a label to very recently, but it’s always been part of me. While my mum seems to find it much easier to move on from things, and that can be hard at times, I do admire her ability to let things go. You can’t change the past, only the present.
3. To talk and laugh about problems. I don’t find decisions easy, and I’ve made a number that at the time I regretted. Mum taught me to be ok with that (or at least tried to teach me, I’m still working on it!).
4. To be kind to others. I’m an impatient person, especially when I’m driving. Mum has always challenged me to think about what others might be going through to cause them to behave in a way I disagree with.
5. To take risks. A few years ago, having been divorced from my dad for many years, my mum met a man via an internet dating site. 6 weeks later they were engaged. 6 months later married and she was moving to another part of the country with him. She told me “If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll deal with it then”.

My mum works in dementia care – it’s not well paid, and it’s tough work, but she loves it. She describes it as a privilege. We need more people like her.

Thanks Mum.